Just a few words.

So I'm always writing blog posts in my head but very rarely actually write anything. I decided to just let it flow. This last week I started working out. I have done some stuff in the past but never really made it a life style change. I decided that this time i need to make a commitment to changing how I eat and begin exercising because I just need to be more healthy. My allergies have gotten so bad so I'm starting allergy shots in the hopes that my nasal polyps will stay away. Since starting the shots my asthma has really kicked up and I have needed to give myself nebulizing treatments. And now only four weeks out from surgery I have a sinus infection. Hello steroids and antibiotics.

Why is it that once I commit to living a more healthy life I begin to feel worse. Oh yeah and I quit smoking again (it's been 4 weeks.) I'm so proud of the healthy choices I'm making but still feel so crappy. It's so hard not to eat all the junk and instead pick up a bag of carrot sticks. It's hard to get to bed at a reasonable time every night. It's hard to even find the time to go to the gym with three little kids 6 and under.

life in general is hard. If it's not one thing, it's another. I feel like all I do is drive my kids around. It's not even like I have them overbooked. Evi does gymnastics and a midweek program at church. Robert isn't in anything right now and neither is baby boy. But....Evi has attachment therapy and Robert has speech as well as the many doctor appointments we go to. So i guess we are overbooked but it's not with extracurricular things. And then when you add in baby boys visits and appointments no wonder I feel like all I do is run around.

What I want to know is, how do you find a balance? How do you slow down? Why is it that kids today are so different from when we were kids? I think I'm a good mom and that I do all that i can for my kids. But do i do too much? Why do my kids feel like they can tell me what to do and talk back on a daily basis? Why do they think it's okay to tell me no? I'm not a push over, I may be worn down...but I'm not a push over. Yet my kids still have no fear and pretty much run the house, I know we always say "well that's kids" but is it really. I didn't tell my parents "no," I'm not sure what would have happened if I did but I knew I didn't want to find out. I wasn't perfect as a kid. i know I whined a lot but I listened to my parents and knew that when they yelled or told me to stop doing something I needed to stop.

Kids are hard, especially kids with special needs. I had no idea how hard parenting was going to be. I had no idea that getting older would be this hard, I had no idea that adulthood would have so many challenges. Why is it that when I was in college all I wanted to do was graduate and start my life? At that time the idea of getting married and having kids seemed so beautiful.

Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful. I have had every one of my dreams come true and I'm so blessed. But as they say "every rose has it's thorn." I just want to get to a place of peace. That's my prayer for this Monday, that God will give me his peace that surpasses all understanding.