The new year

After 4 months of school under their belts my kids are finally settling in.  Bubba is more social at school and hasn't complained in awhile that he doesn't want to go.  I have been signing him up for special classes after school.  Some are sports related and some have a theme such as "super heroes."  He seems to really like them and it has given him an opportunity to work on his friendships.  Goose hasn't had a rage in a few weeks which tells me that she is finally able to handle the stress of the school day.  The part that scares me is that we are going to go through this with her each year.  I really thought Christmas break was going to be a nightmare for her.  So much unstructured time as well as all the excitement of the season is a recipe for disaster for a kid with her issues.  But....it went pretty well.  I did sign her up for a few camp days to break up the monotony and we were really busy,  but I feared all the "newness" to her schedule would be too overwhelming.  Going back to school after the break has been relatively smooth.  She is better able to express her distress in having to be at school all day away from me.  I am finding that her ability to verbalize her fears and worries are really making a difference in her behaviors (thank God!) Now reality sets in again and we are back to our routine.

Baby boy has transitioned into staying with his parents during the week and us on the weekends.  We learned this week that this will go on until March 7th (or longer) depending on the judge.  I believe that he will be sent home permanently on that date.  Now the task of preparing Goose and Bubba for the finality of it all is bearing down on us.  I really just want it all to be over.  I wish it could be like ripping off a band-aid, the pain is intense but it's over quick.  The realness of not having him around for an extended amount of time has been haunting.  At the same time caring for two kids who are growing in their independence from me has been nice too.  Then the guilt sets in.  What kind of mother am I that I can even enjoy some of the peace that is setting in.  I guess the answer is, a real one.  I keep looking ahead, to when he's gone, to the summer, to next fall.  That's all I can do.  I have to keep living.  I am looking forward to getting back to a more peaceful existence (if that's at all possible.)  I'm not sure what doors are going to open for our family but I do believe that when God closes one door he does open another.  In the new year I want to make some real changes in my life and in my relationships.  Maybe the door being opened is that of time;  time to work on my relationship with Christ and time to work on my relationships with others.