Disregulation

This is a word I have come to know on a daily basis.  It's a buzz word of sorts in the "attachment" community,  a common occurrence for children who have experienced trauma or neglect.  My child is often disregulated.  The signs have become easy to recognize, jumping instead of walking, baby talk, asking constant questions, and my favorite, repeatedly calling me "mama" in the whiniest voice she can muster.  The list goes on.  When she becomes disregulated it's my job to help her regulate again.  This isn't something she can do on her own yet, she needs me there to help her through.  During many of her disregulated states she will go into a rage for no apparent reason (although I'm suppose to know what set her off.)  Again it's my job to help her calm and let her know that she is safe and loved.  This cycle has become  her life, our life.  The hardest part for me is staying regulated myself.  After weeks of many ups and downs in my daughter's "mood"  I start to unravel.  But how am I going to help her regulate if I'm not regulated? And then the guilt sets in.  When she needs me the most I'm not "there" for her.   This past week I have been feeling very dis regulated.  I want so much to be the mom she needs me to be all of the time, not just some of the time.  My child really does have issues with feeling worthy enough of love.  I see that now and it breaks my heart.  When I become disregulated I'm distant and irritable which for her just solidifies the internal belief that she isn't worthy of my love.  Talk about feeling like a bad mom.  I pray that over time she will come to believe that she is worthy of love.  I know it will take time, maybe years of consistent parenting before it all starts to sink in.  My greatest fear is that it won't sink in. The road to becoming a mommy was filled with such joy for me but the road to becoming my daughter started out so sad for her.   Two different roads winding through this life, one day I hope our roads will meet.