Toronto Bluejay's DH/infielder Shea Hillenbrand was designated for assignment Wednesday evening a few days after going with his wife to participate in the adoption of their second child (being designated for assignment means that the team has 10 days to either trade, release or move him to the minors, and he will likely be traded or released). The team cites irreconcilable differences. Hillenbrand was upset that he was not in the lineup for the second day following his return to the team, and for being called out by the manager in front of the team during a closed-door team meeting, apparently for goofing around during a team workout.
We do not know what the irreconcilable differences are between Hillenbrand and the team, and I would hope that the Bluejay’s organization would not let family leave for an adoption to have played any part in their decision regarding Hillenbrand. However, one of the issues that Hillenbrand mentioned in an interview with reporters this week was that no one from the front office of the Bluejay’s organization has congratulated he and his wife on the adoption of their second child. Which brings me to the point of this post. When do you congratulate a couple on their adoption? When they make the decision to adopt? When they get a referral of a child or are chosen by a birth mother? Or should you wait until the child is home? Or in a domestic adoption should you wait until the adoption is finalized months after the child is placed with its parents? The answer in my mind is… all of the above.
What does it hurt to simply say “Congratulations on your decision to adopt, you must be so excited.” This may seem odd after all this decision would be parallel to a couple deciding to start “trying,” and I don’t think most of us go around saying, “I heard you and your wife were going start trying to have a baby, congrats.” But hey why not. When a couple finds out they are pregnant, that is when they know a baby will be added to their family, when a you decide to adopt this decision means that there will be a child added to your family. Making the decision to adopt is essentially this is like getting pregnant.
What about at referral, or after being chosen by a birth mother? When we recently received our referral for our son, it was shortly after his birth, this was when we first learned about the birth of our son. It is hard to think that this is not the appropriate time to congratulate someone; a baby was born, what could be more exiting. I know some might think, “What if something goes wrong?” or “What if birth mother changes her mind?” Well when you find out someone is pregnant how long do you wait to congratulate someone 3 months? 6 months? 9 months? After the birth of the child? Even with pregnancy, unfortunately, something could happen. Some people might choose not to announce a pregnancy until reaching 3 months or maybe longer, but as soon as they are comfortable sharing this info, it would make sense to congratulate them, even though you don’t know what may happen.
Well I guess that leaves when the child or baby comes home. This is probably the most obvious time for most to congratulate a couple adopting internationally. In many international adoptions this means the adoption has been finalized, CONGRATULATIONS! In a domestic adoption there is still some time before everything is finalized, but still the parents just added a member to their family regardless of what red tape still lies ahead. I know anything can happen, but what are you going to do, look at someone with their brand new baby, or new child and talk about the weather. Of course congratulations are in order.
And what about the domestic adoption or even an international adoption that requires another court date to be finalized? When the adoption is finalized… Congratulations on being DONE, no more red tape, no more worries about “what could happen.” This is a big deal.
So do you have to say congratulations to everyone you know that is adopting at every step of the way. Well, you don’t have to do anything, but the point is this, it is always ok (at least in my opinion) to say congratulations. As a parent through adoption, I’m not going to think, “how dare they congratulate me, were not done yet.” I would think that most adoptive parents just don’t want to think that you aren’t recognizing an adoption at all especially if you are someone that typically recognizes a pregnancy and birth. Does that mean you think an adoptive child doesn’t matter as much as a biological child? If you are taking the time to read this, then probably not.
Finally, to the Bluejay’s, I wasn’t in the locker room, I wasn’t at any or your workouts, so I don’t know what the irreconcilable differences are, but I do know this, you only have 25 active players on the roster this time of year, how hard would it have been to recognize Shea Hillenbrand’s new baby girl. Even if the adoption had nothing to do with your decision you still look bad in this fathers eyes.
Go White Sox, I hope you sweep the Jays August 4th, 5th, and 6th while I’m in Guatemala visiting my new baby boy.
