He's leaving

This is our last weekend with our foster son.  For so long it seemed this day wouldn't come.  I can hardly believe that the journey is almost over.  He returned to us today at 5:00 p.m. to spend his last weekend before court on Monday, where he will most likely go back to his parents permanently.  We always knew that this is how the journey might end but for so long prayed that it wouldn't end this way.  I pray that this precious boy will be okay and that his parents will take care of him like he deserves.

 He arrived this evening noticeably sick, at least I noticed.  His voice is horse and he sounds nasally.  I asked his case worker if he is sick.  She explained that he just had a little cold and some chest congestion but mom reported no fever.  This has been coming on for a few weeks so I'm not surprised that he is sick.  I am surprised....no disappointed and saddened to have taken his temperature not 10 mins. after his arrival to find he has a fever of 100.3 (as I suspected.)  I then checked his right ear (the one that gets infected every time he is sick and causes him so much pain) to see that he does have a build up of drainage. So within 20 minutes of being in my care I know that he needs some advil, a doctors visit and most likely and antibiotic because these little "colds" don't just go away for him.  During dinner he started to cough and it was clear to me that he may have bronchitis.  I don't believe that this all developed on the one hour car ride home.  It just makes me ill, literally.  Why hasn't she taken him to the doctor?  So this begins our last weekend together, a sobering reminder of what kind of life he is going to lead.

We are having a birthday party for him, a small get together with family to celebrate his 3rd birthday but also to celebrate the 2 and a half year he has been a part of this family.  Jeremy's making him a Thomas cake and presents have been wrapped especially for him.  Extra clothes have been purchased and a supply of pull ups are ready to go.  Even at the end I want to hang on so badly.  I want to prepare him for what is about to happen but there is no preparation for losing your mommy and daddy, for the second time in three years.  Where once there was a baby boy who learned to cuddle and reach for the security of his mama now there is a boy who pulls away from her embrace.  He doesn't look me in the eyes and won't let me hold him, why should he.... how can i be trusted?

I don't know what it's going to be like on Tuesday morning, knowing he isn't coming back.  Or Friday afternoon around 1:45 p.m. when the car is suppose to pull into the drive way for his weekend visit.  Maybe it will hit right away or maybe it will take time.  Already many traces of him are gone.  How will I ever look at Thomas stuff again.  How will I walk through his room on the way to the attic.  What won't remind me of him?  A whole little life, a little person I have loved and mothered for 2 and a half years just gone.  I have pictures and videos and memories and no one will ever take those away.

Looking back on the memory of 

The dance we shared beneath the stars above 

For a moment all the world was right 

How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye 

And now I'm glad I didn't know 

The way it all would end the way it all would go 

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 

But I'd of had to miss the dance