I'll admit it... I'm an anxious mother.

I have had so much on  my mind lately (which is nothing new.) I have had some big decisions to make, decisions that will effect the entire family.  I can never seem to live in the moment, instead always thinking about the future.  I'm a total control freak and suffer from anxiety because of it.  I've been reading a lot about anxiety in children due to issues with Goose and am feeling really convicted to look at my own anxiety issues and how they effect her.  Again I am forced to look at myself first when trying to help Goose.  It makes sense to think that a mother's anxiety level will directly effect her children.  When you combine an anxious mother with an already anxious child, well you can figure out the rest.

Looking at Gooses' issues knowing that they are rooted in fear, loss, and anxiety really helps to clarify what we are doing with her.  Therapy has been huge in helping her learn about herself, her body, and how she can fight her worries. It has also started to cause me to think about how my constant state of worry is absorbed by here.  Yet another area of my life I need to work on.  I find it so interesting how parenting has really caused me to look inside myself time after time only to find out I don't like what I see.  But....it has also allowed me to see clearly areas I need to work on and I have been able to change.

God tells us over and over in scripture not to worry, it's even considered sinful behavior because it separates us from God and consumes us.  Instead of trusting in our Almighty Father we believe that we are in control and take upon ourselves what is not ours to carry.  How I long to be able to truly allow God to "carry my yoke."  I tell myself all the time that worrying will not change anything only actions will.  Taking action is always easier said then done, it takes a termendous amount of disicplin.  I am not a disiciplined person.

I have decided that I'm not going to babysit in the fall.  Being home all day everyday unable to go anywhere or do anything has been extremely stifling.  It's not at all like being home with your own kids.  I have missed out on being able to help out in Gooses classroom this year and it has really bothered me.  Looking back at our decision to have me stay home in the first place was so that I could be there for my kids.  As they enter school being there for them changes.  What once was a job of making sure they napped everyday and learned all the developmentally appropriate skills needed for preschool has now changed into helping with homework and being involved at their school.  Bubba is going to kindergarten next year and I really want to be able to help out in his class, chaperon field trips, and get to know his friends and their parents.  I feel good about this decision but it doesn't come without sacrifice.  The money I am earning as a daycare provider has been a big help and next year I was going to make double what I'm making now.  That being said I believe the grater value is in be their for our kids.

We are finally to a place where I will be able to devote all my attention to the two kids God has blessed us with.  Foster care is on hold, adopting again is on hold, babysitting is on hold, life may actually be slowing down. Of course this change, this new life pace brings its own set of worries.  Will I be able to be disciplined enough to not go shopping all the time with my new found freedom?  Will I find things to do with my time that doesn't involve the kids (does that kind of time even exists?) Will I become too consumed with Goose and Bubba's eduction, health, emotional and spiritual well being to the point where it becomes unhealthy for any of us? Will I sit around longing to grow our family and make rash decisions that are not in our families best interest right now?  Only God knows, but I guess it's good that I'm aware of all the possible things I may fall prey to.  My prayer will be that God grant me all the tools necessary to stand guard against these pitfalls so that I am not anxious about tomorrow but instead living for today. I am a work in progress.